The Jerk - The Script
Story by Steve Martin
and Carl Gottlieb
Screenplay by Steve
Martin, Carl Gottlieb, and Michael Elias
[Beside a theater, in the alley]
(Our hero, Navin, is sitting at the bottom of
a staircase, looking like a bum.)
Navin Huh?
I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a
beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and... uh... my
thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for me. I was born a
poor black child. I remember the days
sitting on the porch with my family singing and dancing, down in
Mississippi.
[Outside of Navin's house]
(Everyone is dancing and singing on the porch.
Navin has no rhythm.)
Gonna jump down turn
around pick a bail of cotton,
Gonna jump down turn
around pick a bail of hay...
[Inside, at the kitchen table]
Mother Well
I hope everybody's good and hungry! Corn bread...
Father Ain't
we forgetting something?
Mother No
I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
All Happy
Birthday!
Mother And
I cooked up your favourite meal: tuna fish salad on white bread with
mayonnaise, a Tab and a couple of Twinkies. Here darling.
Navin Gee
mom, thanks!
Elmyra I
got you a present.
Navin Gee
Elmyra!
Elmyra I
made it myself!
Taj We
got you something too. A half bottle of Lilac Vegetal from both of us.
Pierre I
drew you this picture.
Young Brother Here!
Navin Thank
you!
Father I
want you to have my Zippo.
Navin Gee,
you've had this since the war. Thanks. Thanks everybody. God bless us,
everyone.
Mother Navin!
[Navin's bedroom]
Father (from
kitchen) Well,
can you pass me the potatoes and the collared greens?
Mother Navin
darling?
Navin (crying) I'm
sorry I spoiled the party for everyone.
Mother You
didn't spoil the party. I brought you a Twinkie.
Navin I'm
not hungry right now.
Mother Feeling
different again, huh?
Navin It's
like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here.
Mother It's
your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural
born child.
Navin I'm
not?
Mother You
were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us.
Navin
You mean I'm going to
stay this color?
(Navin cries)
Mother Navin,
I'd love you if you were the color of a baboons ass.
(Navin and his mom hug. Taj walks in.)
Taj Navin?
I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it. You wanna,
wanna come in and sing some blues?
Navin No
thanks Taj. There's something about those songs. They depress me.
Mother Come
here darling.
(They hug. Navin's mom is singing, Navin is
trying to snap his fingers along with it, but alas, he has no rhythm.)
Mother That's
it darling! You're getting the rhythm, see!
[Navin's bedroom, at night]
(Navin can't sleep, he's listening to the
radio.)
Announcer ...
and that concludes this Sunday night gospel hour. Live from the Four
Square Gospel Church of the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri. The
Reverend Willard Wilton, pastor. And now music throughout the night,
music in a mellow mood.
(Music is playing on the radio. Navin turns on
his light, his toes are tapping to beat. His fingers begin to snap,
first the left, then right. He gets up out of bed, slips his slippers
on; all the while dancing and moving to the rhythm. He leaves the room.)
[Grandma's room]
Navin Grandma!
Grandma! Look! Look at the radio! Turn it up! Turn it up! It's
unbelievable! I've never heard music like this before! It speaks to me!
Taj, Dad, this is unbelievable! Now watch, watch! Well if this is out
there just think how much more is out there! This is the kind of music
that tells me to go out there and be somebody!
Mother But
Navin!
Father Let
him go.
[Outside, at the side of a barn]
(there is a large pile of shit on the ground)
Father Son,
now that your going out into the world, there's something you should
know. You see that?
Navin Yeah.
Father That's
shit. And this: shinola.
Navin Shit,
shinola.
Father Son,
you're going to be all right. Now what town are you going to try for
first?
Navin Well
I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis, because that is where that radio
program was coming from.
(as they walk away, Navin walks through the
shit)
[In front of the house]
Mother And
remember, the Lord loves a working man.
Navin Lord
loves a working man.
Father And
son, don't never, ever trust whitey.
Navin Don't
trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey.
(he hugs his mom)
Mother Ah
baby!
Navin Daddy!
(he hugs his dad)
Navin Pierre
come here. Don't you forget to grow up now.
Father O.k.
Now let the boy go. We got work to do.
Mother And
I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Navin I
will Ma. I know it's out there.
Taj It's
out there alright, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin See
a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj Good
luck.
Navin Good
luck. The Lord
loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and
get rid of it. Bye Grandma!
[Later that day, at the kitchen table]
Mother Oh,
I sure do miss Navin.
Brother Is
he ever coming back?
Father Take
away his place setting - it's making us too god damn sad.
Mother I
wonder if he's doing alright?
Sister (shouting
out window) Hey
Navin! How you doing?
Navin Don't
worry about me! I think I see a car coming - no wait - it's a truck!
It's a truck!
Mother Oh
Lord, help our little boy.
[Outside the house, on the street]
Navin I'm
hitchhiking.
Driver Where
are you going?
Navin St.
Louis. How far are you going?
Driver To
the end of this fence.
Navin O.k.
(he gets in the truck) I'm
Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Driver Here
we are!
Navin O.k.
Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.
[Various scenes of Navin hitchhiking - he ends
up at the Firebird Motel]
(Navin is in bed, snoring. There is barking
outside his room. Navin wakes up and opens the door.)
Navin Well
what is it boy? Are you lost? Do you want to play?
(more barking) Is
it trouble? Trouble? Is it a accident? A drowning? A fire?
Shithead (more
barking) Yeah!
Yeah!
Navin Fire!!
Oh no! Gosh! We've got to warn everybody! I've heard about dogs like
you! You're going to be famous! You're gonna get your picture taken and
they'll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting! You saved my life!
Come on, lets warn everybody!
[Outside of the motel]
Navin Arf!
Arf! Arf! Fire! It's a fire! Everybody! Wake up! It's a fire! This dog,
he's saving everybody's life! He's unbelievable! This is some dog! He's
a lifesaver! That's what I'll call him too! Ol' lifesaver! That's
going to be your name.
(the fire department shows up and checks the
place out)
Fireman Folks,
false alarm. There's no fire.
Guest Hey
mister? Don't call that dog lifesaver.
Navin No?
Guest Call
him Shithead.
Navin Good.
Shithead.
[Down a dusty road, Navin is carrying Shithead]
Navin This
is exciting. This is exciting to have this kind of life on the road. A
guy and a dog.
(there is honking from a truck passing by)
Driver St.
Louis?
Navin No,
Navin Johnson.
Driver No,
do you want a lift to St. Louis?
Navin Oh!
O.k., thanks!
Driver Hop
in.
(the truck pulls up to gas station)
Navin This
will be fine, right here. Thank you.
[At a gas station]
Harry Where
are you going?
Navin To
the bathroom.
Harry You've
got to have a key.
Navin Can
I get one?
Harry My
key is for customers who buy gas.
Navin Oh,
I'm buying gas.
Harry I
don't see no car.
Navin I,
I just need enough for my lighter.
Harry Oh
look at this. And my wife wanted me to stay home today. Look
what I would have missed! A complete fill up for a whole lighter.
(Harry points inside) On
that wall.
Navin Thank
you.
(Navin is dragging a key chained to a wheel
rim)
Harry And
don't walk away with it.
Navin I
won't.
[Bathroom at gas station]
(Harry is shouting through the door at Navin,
who is using the facilities)
Harry Hey
pop top! Hey silverbird! I'm talking to you.
Navin Huh?
Harry Listen,
do you want to be president of Texaco oil?
