By Steve :: Quotes
 		  
    'Only in the last couple of years did I discover that I had anything to say. ... before that, I was running on a sort of comedy energy -- and the love of comedy. Comedy alone was enough.' -- 1996
 		  
    Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.  
   
   
    I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
 		  
    Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman - it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.  
      (at the 2001 Oscars)
 		  
    You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
 		  
    There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
 		  
    How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
 		  
    What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats...or skinny.  
      (at the 2003 Oscars)
 		  
    I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.  
      (at the 2003 Oscars)
 		  
    All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
 		  
    What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
 		  
    Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
 		  
    I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
 		  
A joke that works is complete knowledge in a nanosecond.
 
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you are an idiot.
 

Steve Martin has a pungent analysis of the problem [of cell phones in theaters]. "In prehistoric days," he says, "it used to be difficult to tell one person that another was stupid. You had to climb to the top of a mountain, build a fire and send smoke signals to your neighbour informing him of the fact.  
"Nowadays, you don't have to do a thing. The person goes to a performance of Death Of A Salesman, his cellphone goes off, and 2,000 people automatically know he's an a‑‑hole."

  Toronto Star
August 25, 2002 Sunday Ontario Edition
ENTERTAINMENT; Pg. D01
The Audience Member from Hell
Richard Ouzounian, Toronto Star
 
Making yourself look stupid seems much more human. Making other people look stupid just seems cheap.
 
I like writing because I can do it on vacation. It's cumbersome taking an audience along when I'm on a beach in Hawaii.
 
Early in a career, it is easy to surprise people because they do not know what to expect. Then you realise as you mature it is still easy to surprise and upset people precisely because they do have expectations of you as a 'star.' So, you turn the tables on yourself.
 
I suppose one reason I've focused on my writing is that I dread being an actor who passively waits around for that perfect part. After all, I became an actor because I was fearful of becoming a has‑been standup comic working Las Vegas. And I became a standup comic because I was fearful of becoming a has‑been TV writer. Fear is a very constructive force.
 
Communication has changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, it's almost impossible to predict what might occur even in the next decade. E‑mail, which now sends data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light, has replaced primitive forms of communication such as smoke signals, which sent data hurtling across vast distances at the speed of light.
  2000
 

When I was a boy, I calculated how old I would be in the year 2000. I was shocked to see that when the millennium arrived, I was fully 10 years younger than I expected to be. But then, I'm in show business.
 

I'm very critical of my own work," he confessed. "It's just inherent in being a creative person. Because if you're ever satisfied, you stop. I think it's why you start, because you're unsatisfied. The real test of the movie is not the box office, but it's longevity. The fact that something is still playing years later on the comedy channel. At that point, they have so many films to choose from, they're going to choose the ones that are rising to the top.
 

Lights! Camera! Bowfinger!
Dateline: 8/12/99
 

"This is a sick confession," Steve Martin told the Toronto Sun in 1995. "I have always been fixated on creating a body of work. I always felt that was my goal. That's why I liked doing a lot of movies. Because movies are very hard to make work, and if you do three the odds are you might have one that's any good. If you do 30, the odds are you might have six."

You are always going to have bombs. It's always personal. I'm a little more used to it. I'm dealing with success or failure a little quicker. But it hangs in there. It's like saying goodbye to a girlfriend: It can take weeks, months or years.
 

"Failure is so permanent and success will always be taken away from you next time. In my case the desire to have accomplishments is, one, that it would be fun, and two, I could gain approval or love or whatever you want to call it. I've only come to think of this lately. It's what someone who's 50 thinks about. There's a line in one of the one‑acts where the character says, 'Everything I did, maybe now she'll love me.' " He looks sad. "But it brings you admiration, never love," he says. "That other thing is a difficult beast."

  October 22, 1995, A Not So Wild and Crazy Writer
 
Be thankful for laughter except when milk comes out of your nose.
 
I'll never run out of stuff because there'll always be something to twist. As it's developed, my whole comedy personality is bent. It's tilted towards irony, like the bore at the party.
  Penthouse, 1984
 

There's a good point to being a celebrity -- I can get a table in a restaurant. The bad point is that fans start videotaping me while I'm eating.
 
There's someone out there for everyone-even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
  L.A. Story
 
There have been so many highs and lows, depending  on what era we're talking about. There were moments in that (wild and crazy) era, moments onstage where everything was just miraculous.
But that only lasted probably a couple of years, and you think if you can remember certain moments as being so great, then the rest of them probably weren't that good.
  Toronto Sun
 
I love creative dry spells because it means I am subconsciously preparing to write something. I relax, do things, see friends, have dinners. It's like being pregnant: one day, pop.
 
I couldn't do gross-out humor for two reasons. One - no matter where you start, you end up an old fogey. You're always going, 'Oh, these kids today!' I do like bawdy material, but the gross-out stuff doesn't appeal to me. I need to maintain my own dignity. And two -- it looks silly on me.  
 
    Back to Top